So what would I value or desire? Town-supported community food gardens in every neighborhood. Individual plots for growing available in every neighborhood. Cooperative/collective shopping programs in every community to reduce in-person travel or shipping. A community kitchen with walk-in refrigerators and freezers in every neighborhood. More public transportation in general.
An example: Community meat lockers are already commonly used by hunters for their meat. And surplus is sold to the community. Sure, for some people it could smack of something communist or socialist, but I have never heard of a hunter getting spun up about it.)
You are asking so many great questions that I hope you continue to explore. I too am dependent on a vehicle for shopping, but for opposite reasons.
A few years ago we moved to a tiny remote town at the edge of the largest wilderness area in the Lower 48. There are many places equally remote like this, especially in the interior parts of the American northwest. (Electric vehicles are not going to be used here in my lifetime.) There are two small grocery stores, and one is reliably stocked with enough basic necessities so it can serve people in a 150-300 mile radius. However, the produce is nearly always quite old, the bulk bins untrustworthy (staleness not uncommon), and as everywhere where cars are required to shop, the food is predominantly boxed, canned, bottled or frozen. Even in town, most shopping must be done by car due to our climate (90°F+ in the summers, -20°F in the winters.)
I attempt to completely fill all our fruit, vegetable, fungi and egg requirements from our home and garden, and preserve and prep all sorts of ways, from wine and fermented foods, to blanched and frozen, or baked and frozen, and bottled, canned, and dried.
But managing wholesome food for three people takes way more hours than I'd like, more than people imagine... not to mention the time spent planning and driving three hours to get to the nearest best sources every few months to stock up, or the hours of online shopping to stock up on otherwise unobtainable items, like good flours, chocolate, asian ingredients, oils, peanut butter.
However... I am in this situation for two reasons, partly because I am stubborn and refuse to compromise, and partly because I think food should always be special, all the way down to the single best individual ingredient.
In the last couple years l've spent a lot of time researching how I can change our habits, both diet and eating, to reduce the time and effort required. I see no reason why I, we, can't change our desires and habits. There are many ways to eat well. I just have to expand my cultural or familial food patterns.
I will definitely be continuing on this line of questions! I really enjoy how it gets everyone talking. This is so interesting and I understand the stubbornness, of course. It also makes you understand how difficult it is for most folks to really care about their food and cooking--it’s so much effort! And so of course my goal is always thinking about the conditions that would make good food accessible and possible for everyone. And naming why it isn’t already!
Your shopping experiences remind me of one important reason I love living and working in tiny Switzerland. Refrigeration is at a premium here; there aren't too many people with huge double-door refrigerators - ours are roughly 1/3 that size. There's also limited space (for the most part) to store a lot of dry ingredients. Fortunately, there are 2 major supermarkets within a short 3-minute walk...and a farmer's market every day of the week (except Sunday - that's still holy here). That means I don't need to stock up on many goods...but I do need to go shopping most days.
Thanks for another well-written piece - it's a pleasure to read your food writing...
I’m envious of this style of living! I keep wondering how I can recreate it here but it seems out of my control. A farmers’ market 6 days a week is a dream!
This one hit home! Especially since today is our “Costco day” and we have arranged our schedules to get there and get back without sitting in traffic on the 22 during rush hour.
Another facet of the stocking up / clearing out cycle for me is hurricane prep. Our “daily salad” is a daily morning smoothie of frozen fruits and greens from our farm. In August we start eating down the freezer and perishable condiments which we don’t replace until about now, in October. So these are the months of austerity - no veg burgers, falafel, dumplings, smoothies easily pulled from the freezer. The risk of losing power and wasting food and the effort and money that went into them just isn’t worth it.
Where are you based? We have hurricanes here to contend with, too, of course, though I’ll admit we barely prepare--though I suppose being stocked up in perpetuity is preparedness in its own way!
Vichy Catalan ... mmm. Discovered this in Spain over 25 years ago, and whenever I see a shop that carries it, I buy a few, and then enjoy the memories of our travel. It also reminds me of the daily shopping habits in Spain, with all the specialty markets (produce, seafood, meats, etc), and I wonder with the advent of larger grocery stores there (one stop shop), will it change the traditional way of life? I just purchased a rolling shopping cart to incorporate walking to the grocery store a few times per week instead of driving a short distance and loading up the car, a convenience, but not being in the moment.
As someone who studied food systems in college and is now doing an urban planning MA focused on public transportation (and the effects of car-centric planning), this article hit all the marks for me.
This part was so salient for me - “Infrastructure that doesn’t support a spontaneous ability to procure fresh food without a car or walkable access, an economy that doesn’t provide a proper salary or time for fresh food preparation—these are infrastructures and economies that support fast food.
How our cities, our towns, our nations determine the ways in which we procure food is fascinating. So many decisions are made for us.”
My husband and I are both students again and live in a little graduate studio with a fridge that is essentially the size of a wine cooler (and a small shelf of a freezer, if you can even call it that). As a couple that likes to cook at home, we’ve had to adjust quite a bit and plan our meals strategically to ensure we can actually fit our ingredients in the fridge while also cooking up everything we buy so that we don’t waste it (for the sake of the environment as well as our tight food budget - oh to be a student again!).
We are very lucky to live in London and have a handful of grocery stores around us so that we can walk to get the items we need but we know that’s not the case in areas that have been excluded from the local food system.
Oh, I’m so happy to hear this hits the mark for you! Thank you for sharing--I often long for a small fridge because it would mean less pantry! But I know it’s a challenge and all about the circumstances.
Wanted to write you, but lost the comment in my clumsily navigating from email to substack, and then looking for an article. There's so much abundance and infuriating scarcity and corruption in our bay area food system.
Also, I have an ingredient hoarding problem. This quart of honey fermented figs, where the figs are long past good--but maybe the liquid is good? I should just keep staring at it for a few more years.
Helen Hester and Nick Srnicek’s After Work (perhaps through a recommendation of yours?) got me thinking about my kitchen and pantry more historically and in new ways.
I daydream about my grocery shopping and stocking up becoming more of a collective/community activity. I’ve been trying to coordinate a small bulk buying club to purchase wholesale from Frontier Coop and a couple regional farms/suppliers. But I’m not sure it actually makes sense where I live, in a small, dense, wealthy city with lots of great (if expensive) food options. It’s hard to coordinate the logistics or involve anyone beyond my immediate circle of friends... and I can’t really use SNAP/WIC benefits for such purchases either.
We’ve had these conversations here, too, about a cooperative model. Sadly, with the local population pushed out by Airbnb, it doesn’t end up looking possible. I don’t think that book was my rec so I’m going to check it out!
Every essay you write is like a favorite college class I look forward to attending: it leaves me with a fresh perspective and challenges past beliefs. And reading your book often feels like the equivalent of a college education!
Thank you for resurfacing that Jumana Manna article -- wow! I wrote a piece for my co-op's newsletter about Palestinian olive oil a few years ago, and have been thinking about the thousands year-old olive trees (and, centrally, the people who tend to them) in my grieving for the ongoing violence. That's just to say that I appreciate the little bit of context around wild foods and how they have been policed, for the reminder of the particular violence of separating people from their home-lands, and just wish I could watch the whole film.
Thanks always for your writing, and the people and ideas it teaches me about!
I hope the movie becomes available to stream soon--it’s a triumph! Thanks so much for reading. I have always been interested in the Western progressive interest in having Palestinian olive oil or za’atar. I asked Reem Assil about it years ago!
I also think the interest in Palestinian olive oil is interesting -- the Equal Exchange olive oil that I was writing about was at least a little bit of a political project, and the other one I am most familiar with is from Canaan. Their stuff is so good.
Oops, sorry it's not this UN book that is being redone, but a second edition the works of "Cultivating Food Justice: Race, Class, and Sustainability" (MIT Press 2011) by Alison Alkon and Julian Agyeman who write on food justice and food sovereignty and planning. The call for submissions was in 8/22. The first ed. is interesting but dated at this point.
I loved this. I find it so satisfying reading about other people who find methodically working through everything in the fridge etc until it's empty and time to start over on of the most peaceful yet thrilling feelings in life. So much more to have a think about from this piece over the next few days - as always, my mind is gratefully poked and prodded in all sorts of directions by your writing - but, for now, I want to celebrate one of the most resonant and quotable things you've maybe ever said:
"...a specialty grocer where I tend to be a bit absurd...".
Just to add: even though Ireland and Puerto Rico are v far apart, you could have been writing this essay from my brain and experience.
One of the constant threads of my thoughts and weeks is that dissonance between having to stock up cos everything relies on a car, and wishing I could be as carefree as I've been when living elsewhere and could just pop out to pick up what I needed. The idea and memory of popping out, the simplicity of it, haunts me on a daily basis! At the same time, I do love the reassurance of a stocked pantry/fridge etc - until it's time for the next stock up. I just wish it were easier to have more of a balance between the two, and, to be honest, after so many years of this, a main consideration of where to live next for me is somewhere where that balance might be more possible again. The ease of it etc. I also know it'll take a lot of time and practice to loosen up that stocking up mentality! I don't want to use this word loosely and I don't actually mean this word but can't think of a better way to put it rn, but it's like a trauma reaction in the brain to become so rigid and controlling due to experience and circumstance. I hope that makes sense.
Maybe people who have things on their doorstep don't realise the toll and amount of mental energy it takes to be car-dependent; in fact, I know many of them don't cos I've often been taken the piss out of for my lists and my stocking up mentality... which pisses me off cos it makes me want to roar: this isn't me!! Irl I'm laidback and carefree and spontaneous! I'm like this out of necessity and location beatdown!! (as all the most carefree people like to roar).
Sorry for such a long stream of consciousness ramble- this is what happens when I read your essays lol there's something about the way you think and write about that thinking that nudges my brain into overdrive in a way not everything can. I could have an entire series of me writing essays on the thoughts your essays provoke lol
Ok I LOVE and APPRECIATE these comments from the deepest part of my heart, truly, and I absolutely needed the confirmation of how exhausting the car-dependent life can be. Because I grew up on Long Island, I understand it, but I’d been away from it in Brooklyn for so long that the absurdity of it becomes utterly clear.
I’m going to keep writing about public interaction with food / food spaces for a bit because this line of thought is so generative. I articulated through the writing of this essay that what I miss about NYC is spontaneity and conviviality in my food and drink life. So how can I get that back a bit here? Is it possible in a different way? The pandemic, too, changed my relationship to San Juan--the bar where I used to like to write hired a bunch of people who aren’t very pleasant frankly!!! Which is fine life goes on but...--and of course the increased cost of living.
A lot to think about and hopefully a fruitful (no pun intended) space to think: how my desire to interact with food is so related to my desire to have passive contact with other people!
oh thank god, sometimes I realise how long my comment is and I'm like: don't hassle people !!! I'm glad you appreciated it, rather than provided my IP address to the police.
Alicia, I have so much to say about this topic. Have you noticed you feel like / are made to feel like a whiney brat when you bring up that it's really difficult to live like this? That yes, we get on with it, and yes, there are parts that are fine and nice and to be appreciated - but that doesn't preclude the constant thought of how much "easier" it could/should all be? I have to fight against the part of my brain telling me to quit complaining, when at least I have a home, at least I have access to food, and good food at that (esp in light of so many heartbreaking things going on in the world as we sit and type in the comfort of our safe homes), at least I even have access to a car, at least at least at least. But...we're allowed to say when something could be better/easier/ more enjoyable; it doesn't mean we're saying our life is so awful.
I can't believe you've brought up that thing about working in cafes/bars - I've been reckoning recently with many of the ways in which the pandemic affected me, but that I left lie dormant because I realised I was only making the situation worse for myself by thinking about things in the thick of it, when nothing could be different anyway. I think you just kick into another gear and bury things that aren't FRUITFUL to think about in the moment, and then when the moment has passed, you start to unpack it and realise and mourn.
And the cafe/bar thing was something massive that was taken away from me, but I shut it down within myself cos we all just had to get on with it etc. But, really, that was a huge part of my life, and my enjoyment, and my way of interacting, and my way of thinking and being inspired and being content, and just being silently in company, this sense of a shared space, some sort of camaraderie - and it was gone, and still isn't back. Because, even though it's technically back ... it's different? Like, yes things are open now but no one is happy or feeling the same fulfilment from it? Like we're all a bit disconnected from the places we built our lives, we're less invested, we're holding them a bit at arms' length - maybe cos we've realised how quickly it can all go away so it might not hurt as much next time if we're less "present"? All unconsciously, of course. Maybe I'm projecting cos I know this is a thing I've always done in my personal life lol
I so relate to what you said about not enjoying what used to be a regular haunt - for me, too, the vibes are so off in the places I used to take solace in. Is it just me, or is it them, too? Is it the world? Have we been through too much to just go back and pretend: oh here we are in the cafe again, yay. It feels like pretending to feel something we're not really feeling, but used to, and miss it, so are trying to force it.
I don't know. My mind is going a mile a minute now lol
So what would I value or desire? Town-supported community food gardens in every neighborhood. Individual plots for growing available in every neighborhood. Cooperative/collective shopping programs in every community to reduce in-person travel or shipping. A community kitchen with walk-in refrigerators and freezers in every neighborhood. More public transportation in general.
An example: Community meat lockers are already commonly used by hunters for their meat. And surplus is sold to the community. Sure, for some people it could smack of something communist or socialist, but I have never heard of a hunter getting spun up about it.)
LOVE these values and desires!
You are asking so many great questions that I hope you continue to explore. I too am dependent on a vehicle for shopping, but for opposite reasons.
A few years ago we moved to a tiny remote town at the edge of the largest wilderness area in the Lower 48. There are many places equally remote like this, especially in the interior parts of the American northwest. (Electric vehicles are not going to be used here in my lifetime.) There are two small grocery stores, and one is reliably stocked with enough basic necessities so it can serve people in a 150-300 mile radius. However, the produce is nearly always quite old, the bulk bins untrustworthy (staleness not uncommon), and as everywhere where cars are required to shop, the food is predominantly boxed, canned, bottled or frozen. Even in town, most shopping must be done by car due to our climate (90°F+ in the summers, -20°F in the winters.)
I attempt to completely fill all our fruit, vegetable, fungi and egg requirements from our home and garden, and preserve and prep all sorts of ways, from wine and fermented foods, to blanched and frozen, or baked and frozen, and bottled, canned, and dried.
But managing wholesome food for three people takes way more hours than I'd like, more than people imagine... not to mention the time spent planning and driving three hours to get to the nearest best sources every few months to stock up, or the hours of online shopping to stock up on otherwise unobtainable items, like good flours, chocolate, asian ingredients, oils, peanut butter.
However... I am in this situation for two reasons, partly because I am stubborn and refuse to compromise, and partly because I think food should always be special, all the way down to the single best individual ingredient.
In the last couple years l've spent a lot of time researching how I can change our habits, both diet and eating, to reduce the time and effort required. I see no reason why I, we, can't change our desires and habits. There are many ways to eat well. I just have to expand my cultural or familial food patterns.
I will definitely be continuing on this line of questions! I really enjoy how it gets everyone talking. This is so interesting and I understand the stubbornness, of course. It also makes you understand how difficult it is for most folks to really care about their food and cooking--it’s so much effort! And so of course my goal is always thinking about the conditions that would make good food accessible and possible for everyone. And naming why it isn’t already!
Your shopping experiences remind me of one important reason I love living and working in tiny Switzerland. Refrigeration is at a premium here; there aren't too many people with huge double-door refrigerators - ours are roughly 1/3 that size. There's also limited space (for the most part) to store a lot of dry ingredients. Fortunately, there are 2 major supermarkets within a short 3-minute walk...and a farmer's market every day of the week (except Sunday - that's still holy here). That means I don't need to stock up on many goods...but I do need to go shopping most days.
Thanks for another well-written piece - it's a pleasure to read your food writing...
I’m envious of this style of living! I keep wondering how I can recreate it here but it seems out of my control. A farmers’ market 6 days a week is a dream!
I know...I am very grateful...and it's year-round, not just during the summer!
This one hit home! Especially since today is our “Costco day” and we have arranged our schedules to get there and get back without sitting in traffic on the 22 during rush hour.
Another facet of the stocking up / clearing out cycle for me is hurricane prep. Our “daily salad” is a daily morning smoothie of frozen fruits and greens from our farm. In August we start eating down the freezer and perishable condiments which we don’t replace until about now, in October. So these are the months of austerity - no veg burgers, falafel, dumplings, smoothies easily pulled from the freezer. The risk of losing power and wasting food and the effort and money that went into them just isn’t worth it.
Best of luck on your Costco day!
Where are you based? We have hurricanes here to contend with, too, of course, though I’ll admit we barely prepare--though I suppose being stocked up in perpetuity is preparedness in its own way!
We’re in Dorado, PR! In an older little community near the coast.
Vichy Catalan ... mmm. Discovered this in Spain over 25 years ago, and whenever I see a shop that carries it, I buy a few, and then enjoy the memories of our travel. It also reminds me of the daily shopping habits in Spain, with all the specialty markets (produce, seafood, meats, etc), and I wonder with the advent of larger grocery stores there (one stop shop), will it change the traditional way of life? I just purchased a rolling shopping cart to incorporate walking to the grocery store a few times per week instead of driving a short distance and loading up the car, a convenience, but not being in the moment.
As someone who studied food systems in college and is now doing an urban planning MA focused on public transportation (and the effects of car-centric planning), this article hit all the marks for me.
This part was so salient for me - “Infrastructure that doesn’t support a spontaneous ability to procure fresh food without a car or walkable access, an economy that doesn’t provide a proper salary or time for fresh food preparation—these are infrastructures and economies that support fast food.
How our cities, our towns, our nations determine the ways in which we procure food is fascinating. So many decisions are made for us.”
My husband and I are both students again and live in a little graduate studio with a fridge that is essentially the size of a wine cooler (and a small shelf of a freezer, if you can even call it that). As a couple that likes to cook at home, we’ve had to adjust quite a bit and plan our meals strategically to ensure we can actually fit our ingredients in the fridge while also cooking up everything we buy so that we don’t waste it (for the sake of the environment as well as our tight food budget - oh to be a student again!).
We are very lucky to live in London and have a handful of grocery stores around us so that we can walk to get the items we need but we know that’s not the case in areas that have been excluded from the local food system.
Thank you for another great article! 👏🏼
Oh, I’m so happy to hear this hits the mark for you! Thank you for sharing--I often long for a small fridge because it would mean less pantry! But I know it’s a challenge and all about the circumstances.
Wanted to write you, but lost the comment in my clumsily navigating from email to substack, and then looking for an article. There's so much abundance and infuriating scarcity and corruption in our bay area food system.
Also, I have an ingredient hoarding problem. This quart of honey fermented figs, where the figs are long past good--but maybe the liquid is good? I should just keep staring at it for a few more years.
I feel you! It’s so hard to throw things away when we know what an issue food waste is.
There’s someone I’ll check if you’re in touch with on IG who’s in the Bay Area and interested in these issues.
Please do!
Helen Hester and Nick Srnicek’s After Work (perhaps through a recommendation of yours?) got me thinking about my kitchen and pantry more historically and in new ways.
I daydream about my grocery shopping and stocking up becoming more of a collective/community activity. I’ve been trying to coordinate a small bulk buying club to purchase wholesale from Frontier Coop and a couple regional farms/suppliers. But I’m not sure it actually makes sense where I live, in a small, dense, wealthy city with lots of great (if expensive) food options. It’s hard to coordinate the logistics or involve anyone beyond my immediate circle of friends... and I can’t really use SNAP/WIC benefits for such purchases either.
We’ve had these conversations here, too, about a cooperative model. Sadly, with the local population pushed out by Airbnb, it doesn’t end up looking possible. I don’t think that book was my rec so I’m going to check it out!
Every essay you write is like a favorite college class I look forward to attending: it leaves me with a fresh perspective and challenges past beliefs. And reading your book often feels like the equivalent of a college education!
My god, that’s so kind! It means so much!
Thank you for resurfacing that Jumana Manna article -- wow! I wrote a piece for my co-op's newsletter about Palestinian olive oil a few years ago, and have been thinking about the thousands year-old olive trees (and, centrally, the people who tend to them) in my grieving for the ongoing violence. That's just to say that I appreciate the little bit of context around wild foods and how they have been policed, for the reminder of the particular violence of separating people from their home-lands, and just wish I could watch the whole film.
Thanks always for your writing, and the people and ideas it teaches me about!
Cars suck!
I hope the movie becomes available to stream soon--it’s a triumph! Thanks so much for reading. I have always been interested in the Western progressive interest in having Palestinian olive oil or za’atar. I asked Reem Assil about it years ago!
I also think the interest in Palestinian olive oil is interesting -- the Equal Exchange olive oil that I was writing about was at least a little bit of a political project, and the other one I am most familiar with is from Canaan. Their stuff is so good.
But mostly came back here to report that I found a way to watch Foragers, along with a bunch of other documentaries! :) https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/six-films-for-palestine-solidarity-screening-fu-online-tickets-741516815757?aff=oddtdtcreator
Amazing--I will share this! Thank you
Another great post! Re planning and food systems, there's also an online book (free!) called Integrating Food into Urban Planning ed. by Yves Cabannes and Cecilia Maroocchino: https://discovery.ucl.ac.uk/id/eprint/10061454/1/Integrating-Food-into-Urban-Planning.pdf
I think I saw that they put out a call for articles around a year ago for an updated version but I'm not sure of the status.
Oops, sorry it's not this UN book that is being redone, but a second edition the works of "Cultivating Food Justice: Race, Class, and Sustainability" (MIT Press 2011) by Alison Alkon and Julian Agyeman who write on food justice and food sovereignty and planning. The call for submissions was in 8/22. The first ed. is interesting but dated at this point.
This might also be of interest: 'We’re just an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff’: Strategies and (a)politics of change in Berlin's community food spaces https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0308518X231158101
Amazing suggestions!!! Thank you!
I still think it’s so wild you went to Calgary. Xo
Me too! 😂
Edmonton is only allowed if I’m there. 😉
Everyone tells me I gotta visit! I am sure I’ll be back that way.
I loved this. I find it so satisfying reading about other people who find methodically working through everything in the fridge etc until it's empty and time to start over on of the most peaceful yet thrilling feelings in life. So much more to have a think about from this piece over the next few days - as always, my mind is gratefully poked and prodded in all sorts of directions by your writing - but, for now, I want to celebrate one of the most resonant and quotable things you've maybe ever said:
"...a specialty grocer where I tend to be a bit absurd...".
Love it so much, and sames.
Just to add: even though Ireland and Puerto Rico are v far apart, you could have been writing this essay from my brain and experience.
One of the constant threads of my thoughts and weeks is that dissonance between having to stock up cos everything relies on a car, and wishing I could be as carefree as I've been when living elsewhere and could just pop out to pick up what I needed. The idea and memory of popping out, the simplicity of it, haunts me on a daily basis! At the same time, I do love the reassurance of a stocked pantry/fridge etc - until it's time for the next stock up. I just wish it were easier to have more of a balance between the two, and, to be honest, after so many years of this, a main consideration of where to live next for me is somewhere where that balance might be more possible again. The ease of it etc. I also know it'll take a lot of time and practice to loosen up that stocking up mentality! I don't want to use this word loosely and I don't actually mean this word but can't think of a better way to put it rn, but it's like a trauma reaction in the brain to become so rigid and controlling due to experience and circumstance. I hope that makes sense.
Maybe people who have things on their doorstep don't realise the toll and amount of mental energy it takes to be car-dependent; in fact, I know many of them don't cos I've often been taken the piss out of for my lists and my stocking up mentality... which pisses me off cos it makes me want to roar: this isn't me!! Irl I'm laidback and carefree and spontaneous! I'm like this out of necessity and location beatdown!! (as all the most carefree people like to roar).
Sorry for such a long stream of consciousness ramble- this is what happens when I read your essays lol there's something about the way you think and write about that thinking that nudges my brain into overdrive in a way not everything can. I could have an entire series of me writing essays on the thoughts your essays provoke lol
Ok I LOVE and APPRECIATE these comments from the deepest part of my heart, truly, and I absolutely needed the confirmation of how exhausting the car-dependent life can be. Because I grew up on Long Island, I understand it, but I’d been away from it in Brooklyn for so long that the absurdity of it becomes utterly clear.
I’m going to keep writing about public interaction with food / food spaces for a bit because this line of thought is so generative. I articulated through the writing of this essay that what I miss about NYC is spontaneity and conviviality in my food and drink life. So how can I get that back a bit here? Is it possible in a different way? The pandemic, too, changed my relationship to San Juan--the bar where I used to like to write hired a bunch of people who aren’t very pleasant frankly!!! Which is fine life goes on but...--and of course the increased cost of living.
A lot to think about and hopefully a fruitful (no pun intended) space to think: how my desire to interact with food is so related to my desire to have passive contact with other people!
oh thank god, sometimes I realise how long my comment is and I'm like: don't hassle people !!! I'm glad you appreciated it, rather than provided my IP address to the police.
Alicia, I have so much to say about this topic. Have you noticed you feel like / are made to feel like a whiney brat when you bring up that it's really difficult to live like this? That yes, we get on with it, and yes, there are parts that are fine and nice and to be appreciated - but that doesn't preclude the constant thought of how much "easier" it could/should all be? I have to fight against the part of my brain telling me to quit complaining, when at least I have a home, at least I have access to food, and good food at that (esp in light of so many heartbreaking things going on in the world as we sit and type in the comfort of our safe homes), at least I even have access to a car, at least at least at least. But...we're allowed to say when something could be better/easier/ more enjoyable; it doesn't mean we're saying our life is so awful.
I can't believe you've brought up that thing about working in cafes/bars - I've been reckoning recently with many of the ways in which the pandemic affected me, but that I left lie dormant because I realised I was only making the situation worse for myself by thinking about things in the thick of it, when nothing could be different anyway. I think you just kick into another gear and bury things that aren't FRUITFUL to think about in the moment, and then when the moment has passed, you start to unpack it and realise and mourn.
And the cafe/bar thing was something massive that was taken away from me, but I shut it down within myself cos we all just had to get on with it etc. But, really, that was a huge part of my life, and my enjoyment, and my way of interacting, and my way of thinking and being inspired and being content, and just being silently in company, this sense of a shared space, some sort of camaraderie - and it was gone, and still isn't back. Because, even though it's technically back ... it's different? Like, yes things are open now but no one is happy or feeling the same fulfilment from it? Like we're all a bit disconnected from the places we built our lives, we're less invested, we're holding them a bit at arms' length - maybe cos we've realised how quickly it can all go away so it might not hurt as much next time if we're less "present"? All unconsciously, of course. Maybe I'm projecting cos I know this is a thing I've always done in my personal life lol
I so relate to what you said about not enjoying what used to be a regular haunt - for me, too, the vibes are so off in the places I used to take solace in. Is it just me, or is it them, too? Is it the world? Have we been through too much to just go back and pretend: oh here we are in the cafe again, yay. It feels like pretending to feel something we're not really feeling, but used to, and miss it, so are trying to force it.
I don't know. My mind is going a mile a minute now lol