I had similar struggles before getting engaged, but absolutely loved being engaged. It was just about us committing in a way that was wonderful. And for me the emotional commitment of getting engaged was much bigger than the legal commitment of marriage and the world viewing our partnership differently. It was also one of the more selfish parts (for me and my partner together) in the whole wedding process. The wedding turned about to be about so much more expectation, opinions, people, and battling an overwhelming capitalist machine. Trying to say, I hope you are also enjoying this moment.
Loved this piece, thank you for sharing! Gonna be mulling this one for a while, especially the phrase "women whose choice to get married in the past I have understood as a capitulation." I didn't realize until it was put to words that that was sort of my lens too, and seeing it laid bare like that gives me a lot to reevaluate.
Thank you for sharing this part of your story! I too had strong, complicated (mostly objections) to marriage, but when I moved away from my co-habitation situation to go to grad school, and the thought of not being married or engaged for those 2 years apart became more real, I changed my mind. I even got the ring I swore I'd never get. It's lovely and sparkly and it makes me happy to wear it and made my husband happy to give it to me. It's nice to be married, and less scary than I thought it would be. It's also a relief not to have to constantly defend my relationship to people (esp. the very catholic ones in my family) that don't understand "why aren't you married yet?" I still long for the day that unmarried women (and people!) never have to explain their choices to those who really shouldn't be asking anyway. Even better will be the day when people stop asking me why I don't want kids, but that's a whole other chestnut 🌰
Thank you again for this essay, it makes me (and I am sure many many others) feel seen and heard!
This was beautiful. Really lovely, and really thoughtful. It brought many old memories back to the fore, as well as many thoughts about the political-personal. I hope it will be ok to share some of them....
Marilyn and I were married in 1973. We first met as teenagers and then (after I finally came to my senses and realised she was THE one) lived together for three years prior to getting married (having the first four months or so of that in a commune definitely made the adjustment to this new life together easier).
Marriage was something we discussed starting only about that third year. Our reluctance and anxiety was in part political. 50 years ago marriage was viewed in our circle of friends as a hopelessly bourgeois institution, something to which we could/should never ‘surrender’. (But while we shared much of this resistance we were never quite that hostile!) And in part very personal, of course. Mostly, we were both afraid it would change things... would change ‘us’, what we had together. Basically, we were scared.
Marilyn was the one who really led the way - she asked me, and asked me again, and gently assured me. And honestly, though, we never did get formally engaged - there was no engagement ring I mean, no announcement - a significant reluctance on both our parts to the formal action itself, and yes our continuing fears. We just considered ourselves ‘engaged’ (I know we both occasionally even referred to each other then when with others as ‘my fiancé’.)
And also, one quite big reason to get married was we wanted to have a baby - very much so. And here is where the political and personal were deeply intertwined. We knew having a child ‘out of wedlock’ (OMG yes, that is how people talked about such things) was a challenge, culturally. We had just bought a tiny row house in a neighbourhood of mainly cops and firefighters, and started to make many friends there. And we fibbed: we told them we were married. Political. Scared again. Being ‘really married’ would make things much easier to handle.
Yet too, almost all our friends were aghast we were marrying. Why oh why? they kept asking. Political. We tried to ignore. We were also in complete agreement that we would marry at a Justice of the Peace. Marilyn especially. And only my brother and Marilyn’s sister would attend, as the required witnesses. No parents. Afterward we would meet them at a restaurant to celebrate.
So on the date we drove out from our home in the Feltonville neighborhood of Philly to 69th Street in Upper Darby, the closet J of the P, and got married. (I remeber he played a record of ‘Here Comes the Bride’ for every ceremony - there were several couples in the waiting room with us.) Still a little scared, really, but very very happy.
Only two friends - a couple who themselves had gotten married and had a baby - gave us any celebratory recognition. The rest were still mystified. Or quite disappointed. But we knew we were right. And almost 50 years on, and with our son and daughter in law and three grandchildren to embrace, we know for sure we were.
I never married although I've been partnered for over a decade now, and I'm still ... ambivalent about it all. Himself has very strong anti-marriage feelings, and his first relationship took a distinct turn south once they got married (for insurance). I grew up in the wake of a terrible antagonistic 1970s divorce, and am temperamentally averse to men telling me what to do. We found one another late in life, and since we had houses, we kept them. (I might be more married to my paid-off house than to anything else in this life.) But I'd also like the legal protections -- I had to settle an estate once for someone the legal powers thought I "wasn't related to" and it was an exquisitely painful process. Like I said. Ambivalence here.
But I'm also old enough to be an auntie to a whole pack of girls, one of whom we're pretty sure has found her person, and he's a gem. There's a special joy in seeing that happen for someone you love ... so congratulations! May you go forth and build a real marriage between you ...
I had similar struggles before getting engaged, but absolutely loved being engaged. It was just about us committing in a way that was wonderful. And for me the emotional commitment of getting engaged was much bigger than the legal commitment of marriage and the world viewing our partnership differently. It was also one of the more selfish parts (for me and my partner together) in the whole wedding process. The wedding turned about to be about so much more expectation, opinions, people, and battling an overwhelming capitalist machine. Trying to say, I hope you are also enjoying this moment.
Loved this piece, thank you for sharing! Gonna be mulling this one for a while, especially the phrase "women whose choice to get married in the past I have understood as a capitulation." I didn't realize until it was put to words that that was sort of my lens too, and seeing it laid bare like that gives me a lot to reevaluate.
passing this along to my recently married friends. thank you, as always <3
Thank you for sharing this part of your story! I too had strong, complicated (mostly objections) to marriage, but when I moved away from my co-habitation situation to go to grad school, and the thought of not being married or engaged for those 2 years apart became more real, I changed my mind. I even got the ring I swore I'd never get. It's lovely and sparkly and it makes me happy to wear it and made my husband happy to give it to me. It's nice to be married, and less scary than I thought it would be. It's also a relief not to have to constantly defend my relationship to people (esp. the very catholic ones in my family) that don't understand "why aren't you married yet?" I still long for the day that unmarried women (and people!) never have to explain their choices to those who really shouldn't be asking anyway. Even better will be the day when people stop asking me why I don't want kids, but that's a whole other chestnut 🌰
Thank you again for this essay, it makes me (and I am sure many many others) feel seen and heard!
This was beautiful. Really lovely, and really thoughtful. It brought many old memories back to the fore, as well as many thoughts about the political-personal. I hope it will be ok to share some of them....
Marilyn and I were married in 1973. We first met as teenagers and then (after I finally came to my senses and realised she was THE one) lived together for three years prior to getting married (having the first four months or so of that in a commune definitely made the adjustment to this new life together easier).
Marriage was something we discussed starting only about that third year. Our reluctance and anxiety was in part political. 50 years ago marriage was viewed in our circle of friends as a hopelessly bourgeois institution, something to which we could/should never ‘surrender’. (But while we shared much of this resistance we were never quite that hostile!) And in part very personal, of course. Mostly, we were both afraid it would change things... would change ‘us’, what we had together. Basically, we were scared.
Marilyn was the one who really led the way - she asked me, and asked me again, and gently assured me. And honestly, though, we never did get formally engaged - there was no engagement ring I mean, no announcement - a significant reluctance on both our parts to the formal action itself, and yes our continuing fears. We just considered ourselves ‘engaged’ (I know we both occasionally even referred to each other then when with others as ‘my fiancé’.)
And also, one quite big reason to get married was we wanted to have a baby - very much so. And here is where the political and personal were deeply intertwined. We knew having a child ‘out of wedlock’ (OMG yes, that is how people talked about such things) was a challenge, culturally. We had just bought a tiny row house in a neighbourhood of mainly cops and firefighters, and started to make many friends there. And we fibbed: we told them we were married. Political. Scared again. Being ‘really married’ would make things much easier to handle.
Yet too, almost all our friends were aghast we were marrying. Why oh why? they kept asking. Political. We tried to ignore. We were also in complete agreement that we would marry at a Justice of the Peace. Marilyn especially. And only my brother and Marilyn’s sister would attend, as the required witnesses. No parents. Afterward we would meet them at a restaurant to celebrate.
So on the date we drove out from our home in the Feltonville neighborhood of Philly to 69th Street in Upper Darby, the closet J of the P, and got married. (I remeber he played a record of ‘Here Comes the Bride’ for every ceremony - there were several couples in the waiting room with us.) Still a little scared, really, but very very happy.
Only two friends - a couple who themselves had gotten married and had a baby - gave us any celebratory recognition. The rest were still mystified. Or quite disappointed. But we knew we were right. And almost 50 years on, and with our son and daughter in law and three grandchildren to embrace, we know for sure we were.
Mazel tov!
I never married although I've been partnered for over a decade now, and I'm still ... ambivalent about it all. Himself has very strong anti-marriage feelings, and his first relationship took a distinct turn south once they got married (for insurance). I grew up in the wake of a terrible antagonistic 1970s divorce, and am temperamentally averse to men telling me what to do. We found one another late in life, and since we had houses, we kept them. (I might be more married to my paid-off house than to anything else in this life.) But I'd also like the legal protections -- I had to settle an estate once for someone the legal powers thought I "wasn't related to" and it was an exquisitely painful process. Like I said. Ambivalence here.
But I'm also old enough to be an auntie to a whole pack of girls, one of whom we're pretty sure has found her person, and he's a gem. There's a special joy in seeing that happen for someone you love ... so congratulations! May you go forth and build a real marriage between you ...